17 Ways to Be A Good Partner

Every relationship between two people is unique. Personalities, cultures, beliefs, interests, experiences, etc, reveal the infinite possibilities of types of couples. However, there are foundational pieces that foster healthy, lasting relationships no matter what two people are involved.

For those who know me well, you may be asking, “Why is she writing about relationships? She’s so private, she’s newly single and personally, I think she’s too young to know such things.” No matter what your first impression is upon reading the title of today’s post, I decided to write it because I’m passionate about it.

I may not be in a relationship at the moment, but I finally have realized I genuinely want to be, and finally feel I am ready (and able) to be a good partner in a relationship. I may be too young to know of what I write, but I know what hasn’t worked and what has been lacking in my past relationships.  And on the flipside, I know what did work and what made my past relationships times in my life which I do not regret. To add to this, I am fortunate to be around many friends and family who are in loving, committed relationships, and I am either observing them (not in a creepy way, I promise) or bombarding them with questions regarding how they make it work.

So with that said, whether you are in a relationship or wanting to be in one someday, here are 17 ways to become a better partner as you both work to create a healthy, loving, respectful and lasting relationship.

1. Be Secure Within Yourself. So often in my twenties, I thought I was ready for a lasting relationship, but the main component that was missing was that I wasn’t confident that I had found what I was passionate doing. So I was still searching, willing to move to chase it down and feeling a bit restless. I hadn’t found my outlet that made me feel as though I was contributing what I had to offer to the world. At the same time I was still creating a foundation – a career, a home, etc, and hadn’t yet figured out how to balance it all. Once I discovered an outlet for my passions and talents and an avenue to share them so that I felt productive at the end of each day, I discovered contentment. I began to realize that I could live this thing called life, and live it well which up until that point, I hoped I could, but I wasn’t sure of myself. In other words I had finally discovered what I needed to maintain my balance and feel secure within myself.

2. Know How to Make Yourself Happy First. Once you feel secure within yourself, you realize you don’t project any expectations of what you need onto your partner. In other words, you aren’t looking at them expecting them to make you happy. After all, it isn’t their job. When two secure individuals come together, while they are able to make themselves happy, they realize that two already complete people can create something even more amazing.

3. Eliminate Unnecessary Selfishness. Once you have discovered how to create your own happiness, you can then focus on giving to your partner. Now this is a two way street. Both partners should delight in the euphoria of their partner’s joy. “Unnecessary selfishness” is a very subjective phrase, but often times one of the partners gives everything – their time, their energy, letting go of their dreams to support their partner – and is too selfless. A healthy balance must be struck. When both partners are conscious and sensitive to each others feelings, dreams and needs, the wrong type of selfishness can easily be eliminated. An example of selfishness that should be curtailed is telling your partner you are too busy to “spend time together”, “to take a walk together”, to yada, yada, yada. While on the surface, the statement may be true, it also reveals to your partner their place on the priority list. So strike the right balance, make sure your priorities are in order to help maintain a healthy, respectful relationship.


4. Be Honest. Be Trustworthy. Lies and omissions only rot the possibility of true intimacy with your partner. Make sure you model how you would like to be treated and behave in a manner (whether you are with your partner or not) that is respectful to the commitment you’ve made to each other and continues to build the trust you’ve already created.


5. Be Responsible. There are going to be good and bad days. There will be days when we get upset or moody. After the emotion has subsided, take time to determine what caused you to become so upset, and take the responsibility of stating the truth behind your emotions. If your partner’s behavior made you feel left out or as though you were the third wheel, let them know. If you feel as though your efforts are being taking advantage of and your partner isn’t doing their share, talk about that. As an adult in a relationship, such conversations aren’t necessarily easy, but they are necessary to create a stronger bond and true understanding of each other’s needs. Many times, it will simply be a misunderstanding, while other times, it’s an opportunity to understand each other better and understand what makes your partner feel comfortable, safe and loved.

6. Be Appreciative. Showing your appreciation for little things that are tended to each day is a simple way to strengthen your relationship. Whether it is putting the garbage on the curb, making dinner, calling you to let you know when they’ll be home, each one of these seemingly small actions demonstrates thoughtfulness and consideration for the others’ feelings and time.

7. Be Able to Apologize. If you were grumpy or difficult, and you realize your behavior was unwarranted toward them, apologize. Take responsibility for your actions. No one is perfect, and people make mistakes reacting on emotion instead of thinking rationally at times. By taking responsibility and apologizing sincerely, you help to gain trust and reveal that while you will make mistakes, you don’t want to hurt them. Now, make sure not to make the same mistake, because that’s an entirely different issue that speaks to lack of respect of the relationship and of the person you are involved with.

8. Spend Quality Time Together, Just the Two of You. When the relationship you are involved in is a priority in your life, you want to spend time together. While there will be instances when you are socializing with others, these time don’t offer moments for intimacy or bonding. Make sure to take the time to just be together – a movie, dinner at your favorite restaurant, hiking, cooking dinner together or simply staying home and enjoying time relaxing.


9. Laugh Together. As a couple, when you are able to laugh together (not at each other, as a way to demean), you are opening yourself up to your partner, allowing yourself to be vulnerable. In those moments when you are able to laugh at yourself, and they themselves, this also shows trust towards each other that they won’t capitalize, humiliate or judge, but simply enjoy the moment with you.

10. Be Their Number One Fan. While in life, each one of us is very capable of achieving amazing things on our own volition, I am well aware of the confidence boost I receive when I have people I love standing behind me, supporting me as I work towards my goals. As a partner, come to understand what your partner’s dreams and goals are, and then be there supporting them as they strive to achieve it – in good times and in bad. Let them know that you are always going to be in their corner. Knowing that you have the support of your partner, is an amazing boost. Again, this should be a two-way street.

11. Have Integrity. It is said that women fall in love with their ears and men fall in love with their eyes. While this is a generality, I do believe that women want to believe what their partner tells them. However, I don’t believe this is exclusive to women. Anybody, when they hear what they want to hear, wants it to be true. The key to any healthy, lasting relationship is that the two people involved follow through with what they say. If you tell your partner that you are going to do something, make sure you do so when you say you will. Be sure to show up on time. If you offer your help, follow through and extend your efforts as previously promised.


12. Respectfully Communicate. Even when both parties involved have the same intention for the relationship, there will be moments of frustration and growth that need to be navigated through. In order to come out on the other side together and still respecting each other, respectful communication is key. Almost two years ago, I shared a post on how to do just that (click here to read).

Communication will work and will strengthen your relationship (all relationships for that matter) if both parties are willing to work at the art of communication.

13. Be a Good Listener and Observer. In order to get to know your partner and understand what makes them tick, pay attention. Not only should you listen well to understand who your partner is, what they like, what makes them upset and why, but be observant of how they respond in certain situations, what makes them comfortable, what makes them smile, what makes them nervous, etc. Often you will gain as much insight or more simply by observing their behavior. (Click here to learn how to become a better listener.)



14. Let Them Know They are Special. It is imperative that both parties feel they are special to their partner. In other words, to feel as though you are irreplaceable and hold a place of priority in their partner’s life that makes it clear you are important in their present and future. For example, when you feel special to someone, you understand that even if you have an argument, it doesn’t threaten the relationship from existing. When you feel special, you know you’d have a much more enjoyable time with them, then without them because their is an intimacy, a comfort, that is provided that no one else can.

15. Don’t Get Lazy in Love. In time, habits are created and expectations become second-nature with regards to how and what our partner will do. However, don’t assume the behavior that you’ve become accustom to will always be there. If you don’t exercise the muscle of appreciation, love, and adoration, it will wither. Let them know they are missed when they are away on a work trip or you are gone for business. Count your blessings and you will be sure to have more to count.

16. Sexual Intimacy. Build it. Foster it. Talk about it. Be able to trust one another, so you can be on the same page with one another and fulfill each others needs.


17. Be Committed. After having looked behind the curtain and learned and come to like who your partner truly is, and realizing you are with someone who has similar values, has similar goals for the future, loves who you are (and visa versa) and both parties want to work and grow together even through the frustrating times, hold fast to this commitment. Understand that there are valleys and hills, but also trust that if you adhere to each of the steps above, more good days and memorable moments are in your future together.



Since I shared my disclaimer above, and also, since I am always wanting to learn, for those of you who have had or currently had successful experiences in the world of love, please do share your advice and insights on what contributes to a healthy and lasting relationship.

Images: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)  (6) (7) (8)   

Why Not . . . Eliminate the Drama?

The drama queen. There always seems to be at least one in every class of high school, and she always seems to be able to garner attention whenever someone else’s was shining a bit too brightly, or when the spotlight on her was beginning to dim.

Whether from a distance or someone you knew more directly, you probably can recall this type of person and the type of behaviors that they regularly exhibit. Behaviors perhaps were arguments, or filthy, hurtful rumors or pretending to know something that everyone else would want to know – in other words, they loved having the power – the attention – of those around them.

But such behavior is draining of valuable finite energy for the people who choose to spend time with this person, and it certainly is exhausting for the drama queen herself. After all, if she’s spending time concocting falsehoods and intriguing, yet pointless bits of information, when is she able to find time for things that really matter?

I think it is safe to say, drama in our lives is not an attribute of a well-lived life. Even though the drama queens may have raised their ugly heads in our youth, such people still exist in adulthood unfortunately, and it is up to each one of us to refuse to get sucked into their web.

How to Eliminate Drama

1. Change what you talk about

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

2. Keep some things to yourself

While it’s good to have mystery and maintain your privacy, it’s also important to not share everything with people you don’t know all that well. Instead, when with others, follow #3.

3. Be observant

We gain knowledge by observing, not by talking (unless we are asking questions of course). So choose to observe others’ behaviors and tendencies because as we all know, actions speak much louder than words ever will.

4. Create healthy boundaries

Personal information should remain personal. In other words, if you don’t trust that someone will be able to keep information private, don’t share it with them.

5. Take time to assess

Before jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst, take a step back so that you can gather your emotions and let them calm down. Then with a clear head, evaluate the situation by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.  By doing this, you will be better able to make a sound decision that you won’t regret in the future.

6. Learn how to let off steam in a healthy manner

We all get upset. After all, we are human, but take the time to monitor how you feel and what makes you feel that way when you become angry, jealous, defensive, etc. Then look for ways to healthily let go because bottling it up won’t help either. Maybe it is journaling, talking to a trusted friend, running or weeding your garden. Whatever activity helps you release the negative emotions, partake in it before you do something you might regret.

7. Be proactive

Often part of the reason emotions run high and in a negative direction is because we are emotionally exhausted due to either over-scheduling or constantly placing ourselves in situations that are not healthy. Whether it is taking on too many responsibilities or spending time with people who constantly make you feel bad about yourself, choose in advance how much time you really have to offer and who you spend your time with as a way to reduce negative emotions and exhaustion.

8. Learn to say no

When you know what you can do, and what will enhance your life, it becomes much easier to say no to things that will not be beneficial. While no one wants to hear “no”, using this power is a way of respecting yourself.

9. Assume the best

Eliminate the cynic that wants to raise its ugly head and assume the best until you have all of the facts. Yes, you will get your heartbroken or be disappointed at times, but, as my dad reminded me, wouldn’t you rather want to make the mistake of expecting something wonderful instead of the alternative?

10. Spend time with positive people

The simplest way to reduce drama is to spend time with people who shun it as well. In other words, seek out positive, supportive people. I’ve mentioned it many times on the blog, but we are a product of our environments, and the more we accept this, the more we accept responsibility for choosing better scenarios to place ourselves in. A great book to read on this subject is Situations Matter by Sam Sommers.

The beauty of eliminating drama comes in the form of living a more fulfilling, pleasure-filled life. Below are a few minutes that immediately came to my mind:

Benefits of Eliminating Drama

1. Build respectful relationships
2. Reduce stress
3. Create stability
4. Increase positive energy
5. More productivity
6. Build self-confidence
7. Reduce cynicism
8. Cultivate loving relationships
9. Increase in creativity
10. Ability to focus on what really matters



In conclusion, the life we create for ourselves is determined by the attitudes we embody, the people we surround ourselves with and the way we spend our time. Choose wisely.

Listen to what lifts you up and inspires you, and pay close attention to what tears you down or belittles your confidence. Run to the former and run from the latter. Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.

Perfectionist vs. High Achiever – The Difference

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.”

-Dr. David M. Burns

Wanting everything exactly as you had imagined it, only to be a bit moody (perhaps an understatement) if everything isn’t just so. Unable to accept compliments from others because in your mind, you could have done better. Or lastly, not allowing yourself to feel good about accomplishing specific goals because they didn’t happen exactly as you had planned or follow the designated time frame. 

If any, or all, of these scenarios are familiar, you, like myself, can identify with being a perfectionist. And while there are many wonderful attributes and rewards to being a perfectionist, I’d like to suggest to you today a better approach that will actually yield you more happiness, reduce your fear and continue to keep your productivity as high, or higher, than had you remained a perfectionist.   

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True Contentment

“After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.  And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.  You begin to accept your defeats.

With your head up and your eyes open. With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow is too uncertain for plans.  And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.  And after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.  And you learn that you really can endure . . . that you really are strong.  That you really do have worth . . . and you learn . . . and you learn . . .”

-Anonymous

Again, I am reminded of how lessons continue to repeat themselves until we are ready to learn, until we are willing to learn in some cases.  The particular quote above was one that was given to me by a friend over ten years ago.  At the time, I understood it superficially, but I can honestly say, I didn’t want to accept what it had to say at its core.  As I was going through some old folders a couple of weeks ago, I happened upon it again, and this time I was ready for the lesson.

Whether taught in your familial culture, social culture, religious culture or any other type of culture you grew up in, many of us, including myself, grew up with the notion, the belief, that we weren’t enough. 

Please don’t misunderstand, I have amazing, supportive parents, but the social culture I grew up in reinforced that idea I needed something or someone else to attain completion - that happiness was somewhere out in the future, and I would have to chase it down or let someone bring it to me.  

Thankfully, what I have learned is that neither are correct.

Here is the lesson I learned: Contentment, not happiness, is what should be the goal. Contentment, therefore, is the responsibility of each person to seek for themselves.  No one can give us true contentment.  No one can hand it to us on a platter, and voilà, contentment commences to be felt for all eternity. No contract, professionally or personally, establishes an infinite amount of contentment in our lives.

Contentment comes into fruition when each one of us does the work for ourselves.  When we take the time to investigate, to be the detectives of who we uniquely are, when we take the time to listen, really listen to what our internal voice is telling us, and when we don’t take the easy road out, numbing ourselves with addictions or other bad behaviors, but instead, get down, lean forward and take on the challenge of discovering what makes our souls sing.

It is after finding contentment that you can fully, completely and healthily be in a relationship void of co-dependency. It is after finding contentment that you can truly live in the moment, knowing your boundaries, having the discipline to say no when for you it is necessary and having the acceptance of realizing that not everything lasts forever.  After all, once we’ve learned the lesson, the teacher lets go, so that we can move closer to our best life.

So today, take a moment to look within and ask yourself if you are expecting something else or someone else to make you happy.  And the best thing you can do is to be honest when you respond because that will be the first step toward finding your very own, hard fought for and much deserved, contentment.

Images: (1) We Heart It (2) What is this, I don’t even (3) We Heart It (4) Enjoying Every Moment