Using Failures as Guideposts to Success

In the October issue of Harper’s Bazaar (US), actress Kate Walsh shares her thoughts on being appreciative that success didn’t arrive until well into her mid-thirties (“I Made It After 35”, pg 256). A wonderful article documenting her struggle, she reflects on the many lessons she was taught in the journey through her twenties, and how thankfully she was able to navigate these times without the hindrance of fame, so that when it did finally arrive, she knew what to let roll off her back and how to appropriately handle situations that had they occurred earlier in her life, she made not have handled as gracefully.

Recently, I have received a handful of Ask Shannon emails about what to do when life doesn’t go as you had planned. In nearly each email, the women were highly successful and reaching for grand goals. And while from my perspective, they were clearly quite successful but had bumped up against some adversity that would require of them to create a new plan of action, they were frustrated, doubtful and a bit uncertain of what to do next.

All three of these emotions are common and understandable because when we invest our time into any venture, it is beyond disappointing to be denyed (initially) because we haven’t made a plan for the alternative . . . yet.

The fact that we respond so strongly to moments such as these is actually a good sign of where our passions lay. These moments can reveal a lot about who we are, what we desire, what we believe we are capable of and the true depth of our strength depending upon how we respond.

Life would be a wonderful utopia if everything we ever wanted came true, and we weren’t confronted by roadblocks; however, we know that is not the case. On the outside, it may seem that other people are spoon-fed a better lot than us, but we have to cast aside this comparison because we only have control over ourselves and the situations that present themselves to us.

It is our job to allow these setbacks, these long bouts of waiting and wondering to be molded in to a time when we choose to develop our talents, our creativity, and our strength, so that when the amazing moments arrive, we can grab them with both hands and make the most of them without taking them for granted.

Today I’d like to share with you ways to better navigate after the initial setback has occurred, so that you are continuously moving forward toward the intended success that that particular failure was intended to lead you toward.

1. Focus on small goals that will help lead to the larger goal. Achieving small successes along the way is what will gradually, but steadily, improve your confidence to believe that you can indeed be successful. Such successes may not be viewed by the outer world as much of an accomplishment, but if it’s something you have finally completed for the first time (speaking in front of a group of people about your business plan, writing your first blog post, or finally getting on a plane to see the other side of the country), it is a success and you should allow these successes to lift you up.

2. Refuse to be deterred. For example, if your first round of attempts to find a publisher or literary agent aren’t successful, keep trying. You may have to change your proposal, you may have to change your direction slightly, but keep trying. The only people who never taste the deliciousness of success are those who throw in the towel. You may not end up where you thought you’d end up, but it is my understanding through experience and observance of others’ examples that life is guiding you to where you have the potential to one day be, but in order to get there, you must not stop.

“You don’t have to have all the big answers right now. Just ask the questions and keep asking the questions. Let them simmer in your life. The answers will arrive when you are ready.” –Eckhart Etolle

3. Look up to role models. When you are in the trenches trying to figure out which way you should go and/or how you’re going to pick yourself up, look to people who have been there before you and have come out the other side successfully. In times of doubt, look to concrete examples that prove that someone that was on a similar journey as yourself made it work. If you are struggling novelist, look to J.K. Rowling. If you’re a struggling chef, look to Julia Child. If you’re a struggling entrepreneur, look to Henry Ford. In other words, lean on them. Be inspired by them as you establish faith that everything will work out.

One of the most frustrating parts about making a plan or setting goals is that often the world doesn’t agree with our timeline. But the essential element we must never forget is that in order to create the life we desire, we do have to know what we want and we do have to have a plan of attack. In the meantime, we must also pack our patience and know that as we become better at navigating what the world throws at us, eventually a wonderful life will reveal itself. And in essence, it is sort of like a gift because we never are quite sure when it will arrive, but we can be certain that due to our efforts, that it at least has a very, very strong chance of showing up. And that . . . that is what makes all the effort, time and nights of questioning and endless doubts worth it.

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Gradually the Pieces Fall into Place

“I subscribe to the theory that everything you do in life somehow helps you to continue along your own path, even though it’s hard to see how at times.” – Yuli Ziv, author of Blogging Your Way to the Front Row and founder of Style Coalition

Whether you discover a job opening requiring skills you happened to have attained during your childhood that now are finally coming in handy – such as a foreign language, calligraphy, baking, etc, or inquire about an opportunity that interests you only to learn someone you met ten years ago knows someone who can open the door for you even further, or experience a horrific traveling disaster that you’d like to forget that occurred but it turns into being the storyline of your first published novel, there are instances in each of our lives that occur for a reason that we may not understand until much later on down the line.

The point is, we don’t always know why things happen to us at the time – good and bad. In fact, if we did know how it would all come together, we may laugh in disbelief and somehow get in our own way.

Just as attending school prepares us for the opportunities that lay in front of us to help create a sound financial and fulfilling adulthood, life is as well teaching us the lessons before we need them, so that when the opportunity presents itself, we have the skills that we need.

While sometimes we can prepare consciously for what we want to happen such as taking specific classes, attaining a certain degree, there are so many other instances that we can’t fathom so that requires of life to actually “pull a fast one on us”, otherwise we may not volunteer to learn that particular lesson. For example, who wants to get their heart broken and learn through unsuccessful relationship after unsuccessful relationship how to be a better partner? I know it’s not something that most people would enter into willingly if they knew the outcome would be a broken heart.  But in the end, when we do find the partner we want to spend the rest of our days with, we then realize what everything else before it was leading us to, and why it was worth experiencing it.

“There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.” –Deepak Chopra

So yes, I do believe that life is a puzzle full of pieces waiting to come together if only we take the time to listen to what moves us, try things that interest us but may be a bit frightening, and are willing to put ourselves out there, learning from the lessons we were given along the way.

I recently read an article titled “8 Overlooked Factors to Overcome Failure – in Sports, Business, Relationships and Beyond” by Garret Kramer, and he made an observation that while not necessarily comforting initially, eased my mind when it came to making the journey through difficult moments in our lives. His first point was the one that caught my attention. He writes that people shouldn’t try to control their thoughts when they’re moving through the stages following a perceived failure, but instead allow those thoughts to be delved into, experienced and analyzed so that the individual can come out on the other side having learned the necessary lessons instead of pretending they didn’t happen to avoid feeling the pain. In other words, in order to learn what was intended from the experience and prevent it from happening again, we must let ourselves grieve and work through the questions, uncertainties and frustrations.

Some of you may be nodding your head in agreement reading this because you’re at a place in your life that you are thrilled to be at, and you can reflect and now understand why certain things happened. But some of you may be in the throes of heartbreak, seemingly insurmountable frustration or pain and doubt that such hurt is meant for a reason. What I would ask of the latter group is: first, keep moving forward toward what is your calling, what sits well with you and what makes you feel like the best version of yourself, and second, have faith. Life has an amazing talent of surprising us when we least expect it, but if we give up, we don’t get to experience the surprise. So in the meantime, trust in something you can’t quite see at the moment and know that something more wonderful than you could imagine is waiting to present itself to you.

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